Most people don't come included with their idiosyncrasies just to make your life miserable. Or instructions on how to be handled.

I always have to remember nobodies perfect. People's imperfections come out of their limitations.Have compassion.
 I guess I expect so much of extend family, first they should just fit right in. NOT!  They should always be there to support us, never question our behavior and welcome everyone.  That's a pretty big request. Figuring out what everyone really needs and wants from the relationship, then trying to make it happen, that's the hard part.

This advice was given to me by my very good  friend, try writing down five expectations for each relative — then cross off three from each list and focus on the remaining two items.

Her example she put on her son-in law's  list she expected him to come to family gatherings, that was not one she crossed off the list.
but she did cross off, at family gatherings he participate in the games she always had for the family to play.

She told me. You need to focus on the positive, not dwell on the things that drive you crazy. Acceptance takes the friction away. She is very wise.

So i didn't pick my relatives and i can''t change them, either. But I change my responses to things that drives me berserk  crazy— which can change the whole dynamic. Most people can alter things a little before they happen. You have the power to revise it. You can not respond, respond in a different way, change the subject or be humorous about it. You're prepared.

How should you alter it. Stay away as much as possible, Be with them in groups, When they hit a hot button, refuse to discuss the issue. Ask another relative to bail you out. Don't put your self in any situation where you might have to defend your self in anyway. And never over react in private or public. {AS I DO!!}

If you find your self having to be the same place at the same time as the person you are having problems with then what should you do?

Find at least one other family member you talk to ahead of a event to say, 'Let's back each other up at this next gathering, either by making eye contact or by speaking up when your getting scared.

Whatever you do, don't invite the behavior that bothers you.
this is something i wrote for myself because i keep putting myself in situations where i don't want to be. {with extended family members.}

and i don't want to jeopardise my relationship with my siblings because i cant control my self or my emotions